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flow

Something is happening in my body that I cannot quite explain. I spin around the same circles of neurosis. I practice yoga weekly and with my full attention and dedication. During yoga, I feel movement internally and energy shift. I do not usually feel emotions.

About a week ago, I was feeling especially anxious and prayed silently to relieve this pattern of spinning. A few days later, I awoke feeling more present and centered. The spinning had been alleviated.

As a practitioner of craniosacral therapy, I have experienced the release of energy cysts, core to the modality. Energy enters the body as physical or emotional trauma, the body responds with the attempt to assimilate the energy. What cannot be assimilated is walled off as an energy cyst.

I suspect what is happening is the release of energy cysts as a result of yoga. My constant concern with discipline has subsided. I am feeling more joyful and energetic.

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desire is the root of all suffering

I learned this wisdom in my early twenties experiencing Ram Dass’ “Be Here Now.” The book explained the entire process of finding happiness through Buddhism.

Now, twenty years later, I wonder how I came to believe that everything beneficial to my body-mind-spirit is suffering. Now I am loving yoga but still feel like meditation is suffering if you’re doing it right. In yoga class last week the teacher demonstrated using balance poses that there is always movement in stillness.

I’ve been a perfectionist again, believing that I could sit for 20 minutes and still my body-mind-spirit completely.

According to Buddha, the basic cause of suffering is “the attachment to the desire to have (craving) and the desire not to have (aversion)“. From that we learn “detachment.” Detachment leads to flow which lessens suffering.

I have to find it all within. Perhaps that is the honest, humble path to a daily committed meditation practice. It’s not in food or any addiction. All pleasure, all creativity, all passion, is generated within.

From my place of white, American privilege in the world’s scheme, I am overwhelmed daily by ounces of fluid gratitude, oozing like honey down and through me.

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starting over

When I turned 40; my father began to raise me. He re-parented me generously, teaching me lessons about the ways of the world; sharing the wisdom of his age. In the same way as he taught me how to ride a bike, he teaches me the brutality of dictators and the “there’s nothing I can do about it” feeling they awaken.

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apparently, I’ve taken a turn

I was obsessing about meditating. It was causing me more harm than good. I spoke with my therapist and he thinks I should find calm, centering (my words, not his) things to do that I enjoy. I wrote a note to myself in 2017, “Do it because it gives you that peaceful feeling.” That’s been my inspiration for getting to yoga at least once a week. Yoga makes me feel good, while I’m doing it and after I do it. Meditation was stirring up angst and didn’t feel good.

I go back to read blog posts and pages I created in fall 2018 and I’m amazed at what a sharp turn I’ve taken.

My parents and I traveled to Mobile, Alabama for Mardi gras 2019. We went to two parades and were wowed and overwhelmed with beads and other goodies thrown at us from the floats. The best part of the whole trip was meeting two women, friends of my mom. They met traveling to Costa Rica and Peru as part of a group. The two women were the greatest world travelers I’ve ever met. They had been just about everywhere and had vibrant, strong memories of each place and what made it special. It was a real lesson in life adventures, Mobile for the first time, Mardi gras for the first time, and the bonus of making new friends.

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day 2 of 2019

I’ve decided to work on self-discipline in moderation. I resolve to meditate for 20 minutes a day. I’m using the Plum Village app. I also resolve to continue yoga two to three times per week. Other than that, I choose to flow from one moment to the next without discipline and structure, but with grace and ease. That’s how I like it best.

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happy new year 2019

I realize that my goal of who I would like to become is drawn from my sick mind. She is perfect. She is thin and muscular, eats only fruit and vegetables, is kind all the time to everyone. This imaginary character is what my craziness envisioned for myself. Why just listen to angels when you could be one, right?

This year, just passed, I lost part of my right upper arm to melanoma. I am missing two-thirds of my right eyebrow. A piece of eyelid had to be removed because of a milder form of skin cancer. The problem with cancer is that it just keeps growing. My face and body at 42 are not how I thought they would be.

My New Year Resolution for 2019 is to live in the present moment. I want to go kayaking now, not when I get a chance. I want to do yoga now, not when I’m cute in yoga pants. I want to receive bodywork now, not someday when I can afford it. I want to meditate now, so that I can be easily kind.

I’m experiencing an inner struggle between teaching myself discipline or living in moderation. Become vegan versus eat small portions of yummy comfort foods. Am I trying to change my brain chemistry or trying to learn how to use my own crazy combo of brain chemistry to the best of its broken ability?

 

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calmed

I have a surgical wound from a cancerous mole removal on my right, upper back. It is infected and not healing well. The result was taking some down time to not do anything, to truly rest and relax, facilitating my immune system to reign supreme. For both days I had a background thinking voice; overwhelmed by the feeling that I was not keeping up, that there are too many things I’m not doing around the house and I am, therefore, creating a terrible hoarding situation and totally out of control.

This morning I woke up feeling playful. The dog and I were telling silly jokes in secretive whispers and tale wagging. I realized the list of things I should be doing, other than “screen time.” Today my voice said silently, “Relax, you are stressing so much about how you should be meditating and doing yoga that you’re counteracting the effects. Be present all the time.”

Suddenly a whoosh of energy ran past me and out of me and I sunk back into my body and relaxed. The anxiety had dissipated and I felt calm. More calm than I’ve felt in months.

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shameless

At church they talk about really just be yourself. Be true to your self. My old shame is new again then dissolves into hazy mist. It sheds like onion skin in slippery, thin layers; starting with the shoulders and rolling down the back, messy and difficult.

Doing things secretly reminds me of shame. When I come clean to another, such as my parents, I am “out & proud.” It feels heavenly.